To conform

As much as I laud the sacrifices of our previous generation, I am intolerant for their closed, rigid mindsets. They are so lost in conforming to the society around them, that they sometimes lose sight of the most important things in their life.  Worse, they have inadvertently passed on this attitude to the next generation that by the time we realize this shortcoming, it becomes too late to break and requires a lot of personal effort. Of course, every human on this earth conforms to a group of individuals they respect, a group of individuals that form a huge circle around. But, out of the need to be accepted, we rob ourselves of our/our loved ones happiness. The beauty of all these is that, most times, as and when we take a bold stand, the society that we are so darn afraid of, smiles along (a few a little time later) and accepts our stand too. The underlying truth is: the society is also waiting for the change, and each individual in the society is as afraid of the rest. Finally, this culminates into an avalanche of rigid rule based human engines. The irony is that part of the society has started accepting the gray shades and hence there is a wide disparity in attitude between these two groups. So harshly fuming disparity!! Each intolerant of the other, but each connected to the other, by blood and flesh!!

A Snippet of love….

Of all the things that lay around, she points to my diary and asks, ‘You still maintain your diary?’ That was my cousin to me. Surprised at how much she remembers, given the fact that it has been about 15yrs since we lived under the same roof, and I haven’t been very open about this habit: only a very few in the family even know this. This is the cousin I have grown up fighting the most. We have had the most awkward quarrels, physical fights, literally rolling on top of each other on bad days and all. I don’t even remember talking to her for most years. We share our birth years that brought in too much of comparisons between us and we had always been at each other’s throat- waiting for the moment to get each other punished.

Its been 8years since we last met, way too long. 8yrs in which we got married, made our homes, and she went on to build a beautiful family with 2 lovely daughters. So, she came over with her kids to spend a day with me, when I had been to India last. Her elder daughter held on to me as if we were known for years (and had us all in splits with her lovely mazhalai), and the younger one (who is hardly 4 months old) would not move her eyes away from me, smiling whenever our eyes met. It was so fulfilling when my cousin let me sleep her. As I cradled her on my lap, the eyelids began beating, the frequency of beating increasing with every move of my leg, until she could no longer resist the urge to shut down. Certainly, there is a beauty watching a sleeping baby!!

Well, this cousin and I have been each other’s enemies while at school. In our II std., we were both put up in a Bharatanatyam class, one which I loved going to. But a couple of months later, her dad objected her going owing to her unsatisfactory academic performance. So, I had also to be withdrawn, as it was unfair to keep her longing when I went. (What logic, I don’t understand yet!). I held this grudge against her for years, and every time we chanced to pounce on each other, she invariably won, given her stature and strength. My time of revenge came when one fine evening, I pushed her hard to get her hit (in her chin) on a hard stone and ran away knowing that she was bleeding. Ever since then, we hardly spoke.

Until, I moved school after my X. When I was in my XII class, she was visibly annoyed with one particular phone call. When I sensed something wrong, I enquired what was bothering her about that particular call. She said that this was a call from a guy (which was strictly prohibited at our home) and that he had been irritating her with his proposal for a while now. The next time he called, I picked up and gave a loud thrashing that he never, never called again. That was our bonding moment. That night as we went about to wash our socks (which was a ritual followed back then at home: However bad or nice it may smell, you have to wash your own socks), she mentioned, “You have changed a lot in the past two years. Two years ago, I did not even have the fair liking to talk to you, because I know it was always a waste. No matter however polite I approached you, you have responded harshly. But today, I have trusted you enough to solve a problem that could have emerged into a huge issue had someone else come to know of it.”  True that had it been two years ago, I would not have even bothered to enquire. But then I was completely different persona soaked in the Love of Christ, clear of all my grudges with a heart that itched me to help out.

Ever since then, life has not been easy, though. I have had my toughest times later, yet, the core of me is being groomed day after day. Even at the fag end of my life, I might not earn millions, I might not have a thousand people on my friend list, I might not be problem less, but I shall be at peace with me, I can still smile and at least have a handful of people with whom I shall have remained faithful to the end. On that day, dear people, please attribute all my kindness to the one Lord who took the risk of choosing me. I shall remain ever grateful for all the Love. Because He has time and again taught me that no matter the severity of a rift, there is always a peaceful way of confrontation/reconciliation, if only we give a little time (that, sometimes, is years) to shape our thoughts to words.  And for the understanding that every soul, no matter how thorny people’s expressions are, every soul longs for peace that can be reached by a gentle touch on a single point that is unique to the soul. Thank you for Your never ending mercies, Lord!!

GREED

I am raging red since last Friday. One of my colleague obtained her doctorate from a reputed institute in India, in bio-technology and works here as a research fellow, for less than an year now. Currently, she is 29wks pregnant. When she went over for a regular check-up, it was observed that her fetal heartbeat was lesser than normal. On further investigation, it is known that she is herself suffering a case of auto-immune disorder: one in which her body’s immune system begins to fight against her own normal cells, preventing her normal functioning.

Her current role in her lab is to develop a nano-chip and throughout the time she has been working in this lab, she has been exposed to Nickel and an iron rod: Infact, she has worked through the nights too on several days. There is enough evidence to prove that Nickel (and other heavy metals) can trigger genes that can result in this disorder. Initially, she was inducted for a different project. But later, she has been asked to work in this project. Although she was aware of the threat, she continued due to personal reasons, with our callous Indian attitude: she thought it could not harm her! (It must be noted here that the guy who worked on this project before she came in has suffered by some peculiar stomach cancer to which he finally succumbed.)

Now she is going through severe distress. The beauty about all this is when she spoke about her condition to her principal investigators, they had convinced her to stay back reasoning nobody knew the project as well as she knew!! How heartless could that be? One investigator went on to convince the rest of the guys that she could not leave on short notice, and he cannot afford to eat into the project budget. I am at loss of words for this kind of insensitivity.

There are mistakes on either side, agreed! Either she must have resigned in the first place when she knew the threats involved, or the PIs should have warned in written form/verbally and got her approval before assigning her into this. Now, it is two lives in stake. And  I am sure the PIs will go ahead with the work with a new RF, get their results published, will showcase these results and earn honors, get new research funding, and given the insensitivity of their attitude, will exploit a lot more before they go on to become laureates! An attitude that sure deserves applause: Throw your hearts and heed to your heads – all of us!! Anything for greed. Greed and insensitivity are such a painful combination….

Apparently- II

As a few people go up the ladder, their egos get inflated so much that they get ignorant of the basic fact their necks can look down and their spines can bend:: in all, they are incapable of looking within! If their education has not enlightened to help them look within, I don’t see any purpose at all!!!

18yrs later….

How long is 18yrs??? EIGHTEEN YEARS??!!!!! “No, just a little while ago, child,” confirmed my teachers at my school, a school that is every bit mine!! OK, that is every bit ours- the students’!

For years long, an younger cousin of mine and I were planning to go around the school. And for years long, we were never together, and if at all we were together, it would have been some holiday at school. So, finally, when we met together this time, I persuaded him to extend his stay for a day (He came down for the weekend), and he happily obliged. That night, as a token of thanks, I treated him to the torture of a masala movie (that neither of us liked even before we decided on going down) at the only theatre that we had been often times (read, twice in 7yrs). Finally, all we saw was the insides of the theatre and kept commenting on how well it was (un)kept, with the screen, doors and chairs being preserved all these years. You got to get the same environment to reminisce, you see!

Monday morning, as we left home to visit the school, we thought back and forth several times: Will the teachers remember us? What if they didn’t remember?? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? blah,blah,blah!! Finally, he said, ‘OK, even if the teachers don’t remember us, we will go down, go around the school and come back’. To add fuel to our apprehensions, the watchman stopped us at the gate telling that this was the beginning of the term and the school office is crowded with parents queuing for fee payment. So, please come back after office hours. Finally, we cajoled him, and he finally agreed on the condition that we don’t bring his name up to the Principal.

As we neared the Principal’s room, the cousin backed out. So, I took lead and s….l..o…w..l…y peeped into her room. The next moment my face brightened 1000W when she invited with a, “Vaanga, vaanga! varaathavanga ellam vanthirukaanga, Ippo thaan varrathaku vazhi therinjatha?”. 18yrs!! She has seen 18 sets of students leave the school after I left. Yet the warmth with which she remembered (I was not even a school rank holder) and received us!!!!! Pheeenoooomenal, isn’t it?? To the cousin, she mentioned, “I don’t remember taking class for you, but I definitely remember punishing you for some reason”. And he agreed, the naughty boy!!

With a wide grin extending from one ear to the other, we took seats opposite her and started chatting. Most of our teachers had left school for their own good and there were only a countable few. She summoned the ayyamma and asked her to take us around, warning us not to disturb the classes. But, we let the ayyama rest and went around ourselves…Next was Nithyanna (the conductor anna). He was standing with his back facing us. As I called up, “Nithyanna!”, he came with such a wide grin, shouting, “RS!!!!”, patted fondly on my back, as he had done all those years back, and called out to my cousin as well!!

We then went over to the staff room. My Geography teacher (who has not been on my list of favorite teachers just because she handled I subject I grew to detest with years) turned over and called out, “Yeh, RS!!”. We talked about our classmates and classes, and left the staffroom. Then we went on to meet the cousin’s teachers, all of whom remembered him with his name and his friends, went around the school and took leave. As we roamed around, we shared, ‘This was my first classroom, this was my classroom in class …..’ and so, so.

Both of us felt the school had shrunk in size – the school we fondly went to everyday, 18yrs back. Only later did we realize: Yes, the school has undergone some transformations. There was another storey built, additional classrooms, and all that. But, we have gone through a number of transformations as well- went to college that was bigger than this school, traveled places and have seen huge buildings, etc. So, it is not the school that has shrunk in size, actually!!

 Did I mention, my principal said that the kids of some of my classmates attend that school that was once their parents! Isn’t that something cute to hear?? It’s so heartwarming to know that the school that had just started with 4 sets of students and 4 classrooms has stood rocksolid all these years and is nurturing the next generation of kids! My school, that is!!

Updates: Trivial, yet treasured

I took a break from work, quite a looong break and went on a vacation. This time though, I skipped doing things for the sake of doing. Instead met people if and when I wanted to. Called only those I felt like talking to, only when I felt like talking. Kind of beginning to being myself. It might not even be close to what I want to be, but this babystep gave me a lot of joy and inner peace.

I was pleasantly surprised that those selected few remain the same no matter you ‘take the effort’ or not! I met a few people after about 15yrs and it was more than the worth. They did not mind that I hadn’t turned up all these years. All that mattered to them was that I had went down to meet them now! The smiles and the pats and the fondness are worth going down several times over. Had some of my cherished moments.

And, I spent quality time with the little nephew. The fellow is a little over 8 months now. We made random noises together, it was such a pleasure to indulge and pamper him. So much so that when I called him on Skype after returning in here, he was finding ways to jump into my hands. The little rowdy!!

So, time well spent. And its back to the routine now.

PS: Thanks Ramesh, Nancy and Sulo for remembering my blog and enquiring my how-abouts. Means a lot, and I sincerely mean my thanks. I wouldn’t have felt to write even a random post as this if not for you. Thank you!

PPS: As you can see, 2011 has been good to me. I have earned some memorable moments that I shall treasure to grave. I hope to jump into 2012 without any expectations. Let me see how far I succeed.

Wishing you much peace, much health, more cherish-able moments and loads of treasurable memories in 2012. Merry Christmas and a Very Very Happy New Year to you!!

Point of views….

We are too engrossed with the monotony of our lives that when reality strikes, it strikes damn hard. Yesterday was one such day!

Yesterday, I met a Prof from my yester years over dinner. A fine Prof who motivated me in the initial years of my work through questioning and meaningful discussions. Was nice to meet him after graduation. He said, ‘Now you are my peer’, and there was such gladness in the way he expressed it. He also said,  ‘Beyond the initial years of motivation, and mentoring, you are nomore a student. Once you shed down the fear/staff-student relationship, you will feel free to discuss and argue which is the right environment for the progress of research’. If only every Prof can live by this attitude, what a joy will it be?? For Profs as these, there is no great joy beyond a student stopping by and enquiring their how-abouts after years of graduation! They are worth every respect..Luckily for me, the 3 profs I had worked with, deserve this kind of respect. For they never once intimidated me unnecessarily!

It was a shock to know that one of his friend, who had been working at my univ and whom I had seen till this Jan is nomore. Apparently, he fell ill with a terminal sickness and succumbed to the illness 20 days ago. He is survived by his wife and three kids.  This guy (of Srilankan origin) was instrumental in generating huge revenues to the univ and was the director of a research centre. He had such high profile contacts. But, he never boasted. I have met him and talked over to him in the initial years. He was young, was kind and had a very promising demeanor. Shame on the Univ that they had not even taken the slightest effort to send an email of condolence at his untimely death (I am not sure if the univ representative attended his funeral, but I felt they should have had the courtesy to inform students). I felt very bad, such uncertain are our lives, but we don’t even take the effort to respect the demise of a man of his stature. What are we going to achieve without these basic sense of humanity?? I remember how, way back in 2008, when Randy Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the Univ he was working with was so supportive of him, of his family! And what respect he earned (they even named a bridge after his name, if I am right). Asian universities: We better cultivate this culture than all the nonsense we borrow from them in the name of modernization!

PS: If you haven’t listened to Randy Pausch’s sensational last lecture, please do! Worth every minute of listening!!

I knew you’d come

I usually ignore forwards- check, delete. But, this one was touching. So, wanted to save….

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier  Jim , as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle.

The/soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen.comrade back.

“You can go,” said the Lieutenant,”but don’t think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away.

The Lieutenant’s words didn’t matter, and the soldier   went anyway.

Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their
company’s trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier , then looked kindly at his friend.

” I told you it wouldn’t be worth it,” he said. “Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded.”

“It was worth it, Sir,” said the soldier.

“What do you mean by worth it?” responded the Lieutenant. ” Your friend is dead.”

“Yes Sir,” the soldier answered, ” but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say……..
“Jim, I knew you’d come….”

Drawing the line….

In my III Std, our class teacher used to revise every subject a few days before examinations, one subject a day! She used to relate the portions covered/uncovered to crossing a well. While half-the portion is done, she’d comment, we are ‘On the wall of the well. This is dangerous. Come let’s cross it, fast!’ The entire class would pay keen attention, lest we fall into the well. Given my interest to conjure scenes about descriptions,  I would have been lost in imagining myself on top of the well. And since then, standing on the wall of the well image had sent me shivers. But, over the past few years, I have realized that it is the safest place to be. Standing on the wall. Being on neither sides. Like touching the mid-line in a Kabadi match. As much as I know to make a balance between either sides, and as much as I am able to find the limits and draw the line, things ARE fine! Lately, I also realize that this applies to EVERYTHING in the world: Reaching out to people, using resources, crossing territories, secular issues, principles, law, whatever- There is much peace in knowing your boundaries and drawing lines, even if you are capable of reaching far.

But, of all, there is one single thing that stands alone that calls for no boundaries: HOPE/FAITH!

Sometimes….

18 Jan 2008:

They had just returned from a CVS. ‘Two days of complete rest’, she had been told. He bunked office and cooked every single meal- rasam and potato fry for the lunch, a tomato soup around 5pm and chappathi-cabbage curry for the supper.  It was just the three of them: he, she and the peanut ‘it’ (they referred to it as ‘she’). He had arranged her work table in the bed, so she could complete her report that was due on Feb 6, 2008. The controversy between Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds in the Border-Gavaskar trophy had just started fuming. The third test was on, and she alternated between updating scores and her work. They played probability with every ball, and associated it to some future: ‘If this were a four,…’, ‘if this were a six,…’, ‘if this were a wicket,…’. They were much at peace. Joking at the controversy, laughing their hearts out, talking at length about the peanut that was swimming within her. Little did they anticipate the impending disaster. Twenty days later, they were to twosome again. They still laughed, they still joked, but the laugh felt heavy, the joke was very hurting. She had not finished her report on time, and sought an extension.

Three and a half years later, she happened to read the report for some reason, and remembers E.V.E.R.Y. single thing that happened that day. She is desperate to run back to those days of careless togetherness and effortless laughter. Sometimes, memories could be painful, too!